415 vs. 206

I’ve always said that Seattle was very similar to San Francisco, it wouldn’t take much for natives from either city to acclimate to the other. We both have less-than-ideal weather, a near-idiotic dedication to good food, very fresh fruits of the sea, and a leaning towards liberal politics.

Then both of our football teams got good and now I hate them. Seattle is a bunch of doodooheads. Pete Carroll is a scumbag. Richard Sherman is a hypocritical troll. Russell Wilson is a square.

Of course, I’m joking. Pete Carroll isn’t a scumbag but he is definitely unlikeable (my UCLA degree has nothing to do with this opinion). Richard Sherman might be a talking pile of shit, but he’s damn good at his job and does give respect to those who deserve it (see Fitzgerald, Larry). Russell Wilson is a square…which is just my indictment of someone who’s just so damn hard to hate. Stupid sexy Wilson.

NOTHING AT ALL. NOTHING AT ALL.

NOTHING AT ALL. NOTHING AT ALL.

So in the spirit of our upcoming NFC Championship Game, I’ve decided to do an old-school city comparison the way I’ve done it before. It’ll be pretty abridged, but hopefully it’ll be more objective and honest than the bullshit that Thrillist puts out. Seriously, that kind of click-bait deserves to rot in a half-assed hell.

1. Laidback Lukeness

If you look closely, you'll see the smug layer choking a guy to death.

If you look closely, you’ll see the smug layer choking a guy to death.

SF does deserve its reputation as one of the most tolerant and mellow places in the country, but thanks to the influx of transplants, that reputation doesn’t connect entirely to reality. Plus, SF has always been a bit haughty, and that smugness has only amplified with each incoming doe-eyed transplant.

He's not in it for the fame. He's in it for the music, man.

Clearly he’s not in it for the fame.

Seattle, on the other hand, doesn’t try to toot its own horn or proclaim its greatness to every tourist and passerby. I definitely enjoyed each visit to Seattle, and while some of its residents can get wrapped up in Koreatown-esque thuggery, most of them have been extremely friendly and accommodating to guests like me.

Plus, they have legalized weed and we don’t.

2. Food

Pho Bac in the International District. As a San Jo native, I was deeply impressed.

Pho Bac in the International District. As a pho enthusiast, I was deeply impressed. 

Seattle has a sneaky good food scene. It probably has the best seafood in the country. I’ve had surprisingly good pho with Chinese doughnuts at a restaurant shaped like a boat. I’ve had amazing burgers at Red Mill and Lunchbox Laboratory. I’ve also had peerless Cuban sandwiches at Paseo’s, and when I finally get the chance, I’ll definitely munch into undoubtedly divine Italian cured meat at Salumi.

But let’s be real here, the only other cities in America that can touch SF’s food scenes are Chicago, New Orleans, and New York.

Chilaquiles at Nopalito in the Panhandle. It's literally cheese, salsa, and chips but it's more addicting than black tar heroin.

Chilaquiles at Nopalito in the Panhandle. It’s literally cheese, salsa, and chips but it’s more addicting than black tar heroin.

It’s not just a matter of five-star restaurants or chefs, it’s the fact that the best produce in America is right at our doorstep. By virtue of having the best ingredients, you’ll get the best food here. By that formula alone, we win. Shut up, it’s not up for discussion anymore.

3. Weather

SFSEA6

LOL PLZ.

I do find it cute that Seattle residents use their two months of summer as an argumentative ointment. “You don’t understand, it gets so beautiful in June!” And it does. Also, I do appreciate the fact that the sun doesn’t start setting until 9 PM in the summer.

Yes. We've named our fog. He's kind of a whore.

Yes. We’ve named our fog. He’s kind of a whore.

But on the real, y’all wet as fuck. I’ll take Karl the Fog and microclimates over having a literal black cloud follow me around everywhere I go for 2/3rds of the year.

Y’ALL HAVE RAINCLOUDS THAT FOLLOW YOU.

4. Scenery

SFSEA8

You’d think being situated on the sparkling San Francisco Bay would give you a strong nomination as one of the most beautiful cities in America. Still…

You ever have those Henry David Thoreau moments in your life, when you look upon something so naturally majestic that it literally sparks your consciousness into a heightened state of existence and philosophy?

Shit's deep yo.

Shit’s deep yo.

One such time was when I managed to glimpse the Cascades on a clear Seattle morning. The chiseled mountains look like granite gems, capped with pure white that emits a heavenly glow. It was one of those few moments that I’m reminded that while we’re just a speck, a miniscule atom in the scale of the larger universe, I’m living an enriched existence on a planet that’s capable of such organic beauty.

It was the most intense cigarette break I’ve ever had. So yeah. I guess Seattle has us beat on that front.

5. Sports

Aw shit. They're all coming.

Aw shit. They all coming.

Well, the wedge that started this article in the first place.

It’s kind of an unfair fight from a comprehensive sports perspective. The Sonics left town, the Mariners have sucked for X amount of years, and nobody cares about the MLS. All Seattle really has is their Seahawks, and granted, their Seahawks are playing extremely well.

San Francisco is the home of 2 World Series and 5 Super Bowl wins. So history is out of the question when comparing the two.

4-time SB Winner and the deadliest pimpslap this side of the Mississippi.

4-time SB Winner and the deadliest pimpslap this side of the Mississippi.

I guess you really have to focus on the present, and I will grudgingly admit that Seattle has our number when it comes to the present, especially when we play at the CLink.

As a die-hard Niner fan, I know we have more than a puncher’s chance going into Sunday. As an unbiased football fan, Seattle is the slightly better team. Extra emphasis on the word slightly.

Look, I get it. Even I can appreciate the play from Seattle’s secondary, and I definitely think Russell Wilson is going to earn himself a ring or two when it’s all said and done. I’ve been a fan of Marshawn Lynch since he was drafted, and while he currently plays for my least favorite team in the league, I am glad that he’s found the success that his talent deserves. I think Bobby Wagner is not just the most underrated player in football, but I think he’s near the same level as the NaVorro Bowman, Patrick Willis, and Luke Kuechly.

HOLLLLLLL MY DIIIIICK

HOLLLLLLL MY DIIIIICK

But if there’s any team built to take on the Seahawks in the playoffs, it’s the pissed off San Francisco 49ers.

If there’s any wideout that can take Richard Sherman in single coverage, it’s Anquan Boldin. If there’s any front 7 that would feast on that porous O-line, it’s ours. If there’s any running back that can gash the Seahawks, it’s Frank Gore. If there’s any team with more to prove in that fucking aluminum shoebox of a stadium, it’s the Niners.

No. YOU HOL MY DICK.

No. YOU HOL MY DICK.

I guess we’ll find out the answer to this one on Sunday.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s